Hearing Shriya‘s cry on Apr 19th 2009, 21:14PM, my heart ached. Why is she crying? Is she OK? Is she hungry? Tired? Having read too much of online forums / discussions about delivery & new-born care, all I could think of at that time was, ‘My baby is hungry, I have to feed my baby & I need her N-O-W’. But when I realised that I didn’t get the breastmilk coming, I felt guilty for the first time in my life, on the lines of motherhood. When her weight dropped from 4 lbs 11 oz to 4 lbs 6 oz the very next day, my guilt level shot up in the graph.

Leaving 3 month old at home & see my mom struggle with her feeding schedule, I was debating mentally whether to quit my job or to earn good amount of $$$ to get all her baby needs. As I listened to her cry over the phone, I wetted my cheeks with salty tears. Wiping them off, I pushed all those guilt away & tried to concentrate at my work. As I sit in my office room, pumping my milk & store the labelled milk pouch into the freezer, I say ‘Here’s your noon-time milk for the 3rd week from now, baby girl’…

When I visited a daycare close to my home, I swore to myself that I’m quitting my job & no way am sending my precious 8 month to a day-care. I hurriedly looked for a box of Kleenex as I saw a 7 week old baby sleeping peacefully in a bouncer with pacifier stuck to its mouth. A crawling 6 month old, a 10 month playing with the exer-saucer, a 4 yr old giving a success smile to the video game monitor, there were babies from 6 week old to preschooler stage.But I was surprised to see a toddler asking her dad, ‘Can I stay for 10 more minutes?’. And then I realised, they actually enjoy being there!

As I stuffed her lunch bag this morning before leaving for my work, with a store bought jar food & YoBaby, my ‘mommy-guilt’ still continues & I feel it WILL always be there for one thing or the other, forever.

This is my entry to the “Mommy Guilt” contest over at Women’s Web

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